Yes, it's Thanksgiving in Canada, and this site and a few of the people on it are about the only fucking thing I'm thankful for, with the exception of the liquor and sedatives that can give me some much-needed temporary amnesia.

I'm not thankful for my mother, who ruined a budding <friendship? relationship?> last night with her interference and is riding my ass today every time I so much as look unhappy.

I'm not thankful for my father, who could be here helping me with my problems if he hadn't lied about his psychiatric status to do the selfish thing and bail to Afghanistan for a year.

I'm not thankful for my brother, who doesn't understand why I am not happy enough with anything, for the last several months, to so much as look at him or try to make him happy.

I'm not thankful for my dog, who does nothing but annoy everyone who comes within 100 feet of my house, or my cat, who decided to up and die two months ago.

I'm not thankful for my camera, because seeing it just reminds me that I'm too depressed to shoot anything.

I'm not thankful for the boy who is too confused and conflicted with life to accept that he has feelings for me, and who insists that we should remain best friends in spite of the fact that to me that screams "I used you for sex Thursday night, haw-haw".

I'm not thankful for my neighbours, who have been there for me so often in the past, but won't even take the time to ask what's going on when I'm outside chain-smoking and on the verge of tears.

I'm not thankful for my grandmothers, one of which decided to pretty much cut me from her life and the other of which is never home when I need her.

I'm not thankful for my career, which is not at all making me happy, is contributing to my burn-out, and has turned me into a paranoid and self-fearing type A personality.

I'm not thankful for my past, which has left me in a state of thinking that making sexual advances is the only way to fix my newest and best friend when he is flirting with suicide.

I'm not thankful for mental illness, which has plagued me all my life, and which has ruined all of my relationships to date. I'm also not thankful for the mental illnesses which have plagued every person I've ever fallen in love with.

I'm not thankful for most of my exes - most of whom either used me for sex or decided that for the rest of my life they'd have to put themselves in competition with me and show me that they're happier than I am.

I'm not thankful for money. I have none, and when I do have some, I fuck everything up by either blowing it on liquor or other frivolousnesses, and thereby fuck up whatever relationships I have going for me at the time.

I'm not thankful for my medications, which seem to only work when they're not convenient for me, and leave me chatting til 4AM with ^opioid and crying until my whole body hurts the rest of the time, which of late has been about six and a half days a week.

I'm thankful for the dA community, though, who seem to show up and give me their support when no one else in my life does. Y'all have helped me through tough times in the past, and, frankly, if it wasn't for @anjules single-handedly pimp-slapping the strength into me whenever I need it, I'd be catatonic today and staring into space in my bed, wondering if I'm even alive and seeing if I can stop my heart with my willpower.

I'm specifically thankful for `snowmask, `timmy64, ^opioid, `cloude, `autumnights, ^limnides, *robinism, ~monkeegirl, =sentrixx, $chix0r, *arthaus, =smoking-mirrors, =Athos-of-Light, @anjules, $Moonbeam13, `parliamentFunk, *LazyGunn, and ^Katerina423 - all of whom seem to know exactly what to tell me and to be able to sense when I need them, and most of whom persistently drill me with the fact that they're there if I need anything.

I'm thankful for music, because singing along to Janis Joplin talking about how her heart has been broken and she's going to drown herself in wine is giving me a little courage for the morning. If I follow her lead, at least I'll see 28, and die happy, I guess.

I'm also thankful for... well, nothing else.

Sorry for being such a fucking downer.

-IB out